Growing Pains

Understanding You Gay Teen

by Katy Abel

A Primer for Parents

As parents we cling to many fantasies about our kids. When they're babies, we tell ourselves: When they become toddlers, they'll never throw tantrums in the mall. When they're toddlers, we tell ourselves: When they become first-graders, they'll never have trouble learning to read or ever be sent to the principal's office. And when they're in grade school, we tell ourselves: When they're teenagers, they'll never do drugs, get pregnant, or come home and tell us that they're gay.

Those are the fantasies. But any mom or dad who's been a parent for more than 45 seconds knows that children delight in relieving us of our delusions, even as they bring us joy and wonder. Such is the case in families where an adolescent's sexual identity becomes an issue or cause for concern. Acknowledging that one's child has sexual feelings at all is difficult for many parents. But realizing that a child may not be following the traditional, or expected, path, in terms of sex and relationships, can cause parents even more distress.

"Is my son gay?" "Is my daughter bisexual?" "Can I as a parent find it within myself to accept my child's sexual identity, or should I try to dissuade my child of his or her feelings?" These can be very difficult questions for parents to consider. Here are some facts, opinions, and resources to help in the search for understanding.

How many gay, lesbian, bi and transsexual teenagers are there in the United States?
No one really knows, but the Kinsey Report estimates that one of every ten teens may be gay, lesbian, bi or transsexual.

What can parents say (or not say) if they suspect a teen is gay, lesbian, or bisexual?
Carolyn Wagner, national vice president of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, or PFLAG (pflag.org), says a good place to start is with a statement that offers acceptance instead of judgment. This lets a teen know that Mom or Dad is approachable and open to discussions about sexual identity:

"I just want to let you know that if you're having feelings that are different from other boys (or girls), it's okay to tell me because there's nothing you can say to me that's going to make me any less proud of you, or love you any less."

What should parents say (or not say) if a teen says s/he is gay, lesbian or bisexual?
When a teen comes out, the same expression of love and support is called for, Wagner believes. She urges parents to separate their belief in their child from whatever religious beliefs may conflict with a child's sexual identity.

"When our 13-year-old son talked to us about being gay, my husband said, 'Son, I love you just the same, and you're the same son to me that you were five minutes ago.' It was very straightforward and simple. Our son jumped up, huge tears rolling down his face, and gave his father a big hug. It was only then that we learned he'd tried to commit suicide several times, and had been getting depressed. Talking really was a big relief."

Facts and Resources

How serious is the risk of HIV infection and AIDS to gay teenagers?
According to the federal government's Centers for Disease Control (CDC), half of all new HIV infections in the United States are among people under age 25. Although the overall incidence of AIDS cases is declining, there has not been a comparable decline in the number of newly diagnosed HIV infections among the youth population.

Among 13- to 24-year-old males, 50 percent of all AIDS cases reported in 1999 were among males having sex with males, as opposed to 8 percent of AIDS cases among heterosexual males. There are no such statistics regarding AIDS infection resulting from sex between females; 47 percent of the 13- to 24-year-old females infected with AIDS contracted the disease heterosexually.

How serious is the threat of depression or suicide?
A 1989 U.S. government report on youth suicide sparked controversy with its claim that gay teens are 2 to 3 times more likely to attempt suicide that other young people, and may comprise up to 30 percent of those teens who actually do take their own lives. Although some researchers have since questioned those findings, subsequent studies have shown consistently high rates of suicide attempts by homosexual youths. Still, the causal link between sexual orientation and suicide has yet to be determined.

How serious is the threat of anti-gay violence?
Says David Buckel, senior staff attorney for the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund (lambdalegal.org): "Anti-gay harassment and violence is a plague in our nation's public schools. Studies show that large numbers of gay-identified students do not feel safe at school, are often threatened or injured, and often stay home for fear of injury."

Parents should know that the rights of gay, lesbian, bi or transsexual students are protected by the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment, and by the 14th Amendment's requirement of equal treatment under the law. In a public school setting, this means, among other things, that a school district is bound by law to protect students from anti-gay harassment just as it protect students from other kinds of harassment.

What do psychiatrists say about sexual orientation?
According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, "Parents need to clearly understand that homosexual orientation is not a mental disorder. The cause(s) of homosexuality are not fully understood. However, a person's sexual orientation is not a matter of choice. In other words, individual have no more choice about being homosexual than heterosexual. All teenagers do have a choice about their expression of sexual behaviors and lifestyle, regardless of their sexual orientation." (For more information, go to aacap.org and look under "Facts for Families" for fact sheet #63, "Gay and Lesbian Adolescents.")

What do the terms "reparative therapy" and "transformational ministry" mean?
"Reparative therapy" refers to a controversial therapeutic practice intended to eliminate an individual's homosexual sexual desires. "Transformational ministry" is the use of religious or pastoral counseling to eliminate those desires. Both practices are based on an understanding of homosexuality that has been rejected by most major health and mental health professions.

What do the organized religions say about raising gay teenagers?
Only the American Baptist and Unitarian churches are open and accepting of homosexual church members. But across the country, many individual priests and ministers are openly defying the edicts of the church hierarchy and showing support for parents raising gay, lesbian, bi and transsexual youth. The same is true of many unaffiliated Christian churches.

What about the future (marriage and grandchildren?)
Says PFLAG's Wagner: "This is where you as a parent project your own plans and dreams, for weddings and grandchildren, rather than look at your children's own hopes for the future. But just because your child is not heterosexual doesn't mean you are not going to have a wedding or grandchildren. I have been to several commitment ceremonies that were just beautiful, with all the families there. And there are now thousands of gay couples in committed relationships who are raising children."

Supporting Your Gay Teen

What problems does your child face?

By Nancy Witting

There are few parents who can easily and completely accept the news that their child is gay. Even those who are comfortable with homosexuality and same-sex marriage may find themselves having difficulty. They may feel that they have done something that "caused" homosexuality in their child. They may be saddened to think that they won't have grandchildren, feel that they have "lost" their child, or worry that life will be hard for him or her. If you have these kinds of feelings after learning that your child is gay, give yourself time to process them and educate yourself with some facts. You'll find that none of those fears is a given. Your child is the same person he or she was yesterday, and needs your love and support more than ever.

Risks Facing Gay Teens

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) stresses that sexual orientation is not a mental disorder, and that the causes of homosexuality are not fully understood. Furthermore, a person's sexual orientation is not a matter of choice, and attempts to change it may be harmful.

However, the AACAP identifies a number of concerns for gay teens, including:

• Feeling different from peers.
• Feeling guilty about their sexual orientation.
• Worrying about the response from their families and loved ones.
• Being teased and ridiculed by their peers.
• Worrying about AIDS, HIV infection, and other sexually transmitted diseases.
• Fearing discrimination when joining clubs, sports, seeking admission to college, and finding employment.
• Being rejected and harassed by others.

Gay teens who are struggling with these issues may start to withdraw from activities and friends, have trouble concentrating, and develop low self-esteem. Some may become seriously depressed and begin to think about or attempt suicide. Parents and others need to be alert to these signs of distress and be ready to intervene. Recent studies show that gay youth account for a significant number of deaths by suicide during adolescence.

"You can tell a child is growing up when he stops asking where he came from and starts refusing to tell where he is going."

~Author Unknown

"The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. "

~Clarence Darrow

"Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young"

~Anonymous

Basic Principles of Good Parent/Child Communication

• Let the child know that you are interested and involved and that you will help when needed.
• Turn off the television or put the newspaper down when your child wants to converse.
• Avoid taking a telephone call when the child has something important to tell you.
• Unless other people are specifically meant to be included, hold conversations in privacy. The best communication between you and the child will occur when others are not around.
• Embarrassing the child or putting him on the spot in front of others will lead only to resentment and hostility, not good communication.
• Don’t tower over your child. Physically get down to the child’s level then talk.
• If you are very angry about behaviour or an incident, doesn’t attempt communication until you regain your cool, because you cannot be objective until then. It is better to stop, settle down, and talk to the child later.
• If you are very tired, you will have to make an extra effort to be an active listener. Genuine active listening is hard work and is very difficult when your mind and body are already tired.
• Listen carefully and politely. Don’t interrupt the child when he is trying to tell his story. Be as courteous to your child as you would be to your best friend.
• Don’t be a wipe-out artist, unravelling minor threads of a story and never allowing the child’s own theme to develop. This is the parent who reacts to the incidentals of a message while the main idea is missed: i.e., the child starts to tell about what happened and the parent says, "I don’t care what they are doing, but you had better not be involved in anything like that."
• Don’t ask why, but do ask what happened.
• If you have knowledge of the situation, confront the child with the information that you know or have been told.
• Keep adult talking ("You’ll talk when I’m finished." "I know what’s best for you." "Just do what I say and that will solve the problem"), preaching and moralizing to a minimum because they are not helpful in getting communication open and keeping it open.
• Don’t use put-down words or statements: dumb, stupid, lazy: "Stupid, that makes no sense at all" or "What do you know, you’re just a child."
• Assist the child in planning some specific steps to the solution.
• Show that you accept the child himself, regardless of what he has or has not done.
• Reinforce the child for keeping communication open. Do this by accepting him and praising his efforts to communicate.

Five Great places To Volunteer with Your Teen

Many school systems require high school students to fulfill 40 hours or more of community volunteer hours prior to graduating.


Many nonprofit and charitable groups depend on volunteers to keep their organization running. Yet only 27 per cent of Canadians volunteered in 2000, according to the National Survey of Giving, Volunteering and Participating. Of the 73 per cent of Canadians who didn't, nearly seven out of 10 said it was because they didn't have enough time.

Volunteering is a great way to meet new people, develop and enhance skills and increase your sense of community. If you feel you don't have the time, why not turn it into something you can do as a family? Make it a priority to teach your children the importance of helping others. You can contribute to a worthy cause while spending time together and having fun -- and you'll be helping your kids develop people skills and a work ethic that will help them in their future careers. Here are five suggestions for places you can volunteer with your teen.
Work with animals

If your family loves to make four-legged friends, consider volunteering at an animal shelter. Shelters across the country are looking for people to help out with a variety of hands-on tasks. The Humane Society for example, needs volunteers for such things as dog walking, feeding, grooming, cleaning kennels, and just spending time with the animals. You can also foster pets at home, taking care of them until the shelter can find them somewhere to live, or until they're old enough to be adopted. This is a great option for families who love animals but don't want a pet of their own. Many shelters have age limits for volunteers -- for instance you must be 16 to volunteer independently at many shelters -- but younger kids can participate if they're accompanied by a parent.

Spend time with seniors

Many Canadian seniors live apart from their families and may need help with household activities such as yard work and meal preparation. Consider adopting an elderly member of your community and offering them assistance with gardening, grocery shopping and running errands, or join a local Meals On Wheels program and help deliver food to those who need it. Or volunteer with senior centres in your area. They offer a variety of services to seniors in the community, including the Friendly Visiting program, through which volunteers are matched with seniors to provide companionship and go on weekly outings.

Festivals

In our city each summer there are various festivals for people with varying interests. They can pick ones whose a) fundraising cause they believe in ( we have a Rib Fest as well that benefits the local Boys and Girls Club),or
b) Activity they enjoy (Blues Fest, Hot Air Balloon Fest)

We have an International Children’s Festival. Performers from all around the world arrive here to fill a week of crafts, music, performance art, and learning for kids of all ages. It is the perfect opportunity for your child to see if a career working with children is for them, to apply some creative face makeup on children, or just to add to a child’s experience by being a “cool friendly giant’ of sorts.

Food Banks

Here is the perfect opportunity to have your kids help out and let them learn lessons in gratefulness; when they see others with very little, and compassion when they see people with very little who inspire a desire to make them feel better; if even for a little while with a kind word or smile.

Boys and Girls Clubs / Childcare Centers
Young children would love nothing more than to have your teen mentor them.
Having them as an assistant coach of a team, tutor them in school work, or just hang out being silly is a benefit to everyone involved.

Nurturing Our Children's Unique Traits

We must nurture our children ...it is one of the important things we can do. A parents' love and caring determines how a child grows up and how a child will eventually parent.
Adults can nurture children's positive self-esteem by helping them discover what they are good at doing. Part of a child's self esteem comes from feeling competent and skilled at something they enjoy. By creating opportunities for children to explore different objects, activities, and people ... and nurturing those interests, you can play a big role in helping children to be successful and feel good about themselves.
The early years are when children show personality traits and preferences for what they like and dislike. By planning opportunities with children's unique personality styles in mind, you nurture their positive feelings about themselves.
Nurturing children, building a loving and caring relationship is not always easy. With patience and love – you can do it!

1.Treat each child according to their needs.
2.Every child needs parents who can notice and appreciate their special qualities. When siblings are involved, trying to treat each equally usually backfires and undermines children's individuality.
3.Focus attention whenever possible, avoiding distractions.
If children want to interact at a time when you cannot be fully attentive, let them know and schedule a time for conversation and/or play when you can focus entirely on them. Children usually know when adults are only half-listening and can feel frustrated, unheard, and at times even unloved when this happens. Listening to children with your full attention helps strengthen their sense of importance and gives the message that you really want to hear what they are thinking and feeling.
4.Listen sensitively, avoid (too much) questioning, and describe the situation.
5.Children will usually shut down emotionally when parents bombard them with questions. They feel on the spot and pressured when adults probe and inquire too much about their day. Describing the situation is a neutral and non-intrusive approach that leaves room for children to respond in their own way.
6.Use "I" messages and try to avoid blaming and accusations. This will allow you to express your feelings about a particular behavior without attacking your child's character or self-esteem.
7.Set limits that are appropriate to children's age, temperament and stage of development.
(When parents have limited time with their children, they may tend to let things go and not set reasonable and necessary limits. Children need to know that you – their parent or caregiver have the interest, energy and authority to set appropriate standards for behavior and the skills to follow through.)

Start traditions that feel comfortable and fit your parenting style and financial resources. Traditions provide children with an important sense of belonging. They don't have to be elaborate in order to be fun or memorable. The most important thing you can do to start a new tradition (or continue an old one) is whatever feels comfortable and enjoyable for both the parents and children. Traditions are also important for teaching children about--and centering them in their cultures.
Take care of yourself so that you have energy and enthusiasm available for your children.
It can be hard to find a balance between meeting your children's needs and making time for yourselves. It is important for you to find appropriate outlets for your feelings of stress, responsibilities, etc., and you need some 'down' time to pursue your own interests or just to unwind. Most parents find that even a short break from children can make a positive difference in the way they feel.



Parents Should Feel Fulfilled:

Parents need to fulfill themselves as parents, in their parenting roles, and also as individuals with interests outside the family. They need to go places on their own, and to do some things just for themselves. Then parents return to their children refreshed.

When you're stressed:
• Try to resolve situations before they escalate.
• Take time out.
• Call someone and express how you're feeling. Ask them to come over and stay with the kids for a while.
• Count to 10 and think, "What do I really want to accomplish here?
• Hit a pillow to release your frustrations
• Play music
• Remember how much you love your child and think about the best way to show that to your child.
Keep your children safe, no matter what!
The best way to keep children safe is to keep them from getting hurt in the first place. Many parents who do cause harm to their children don't mean to do it. If a parent was neglected or abused as a child, it may be that much harder to change to a more constructive behavior with their own kids. There is an abundance of support and information available to help parents accomplish raising healthy and safe children. There are many ways to successfully manage a child's behavior. When adults learn to rely on constructive, non-hurtful parenting, both parent and child feel better about themselves. Positive parenting approaches help the whole family to thrive. These approaches can be seen in other aspects of their lives as well. Parents even do better at work and their children are more successful in school.
There are two types of childhood experiences:
• Positive experiences that build strong character and a sense of self-worth and that model a nurturing parenting style.
• Negative experiences that engulf children in parenting models of abuse, neglect, exploitation, and victimization.

The Best Parenting
The best parenting comes from parents who create an environment that produces experiences that affect the growth of the individual child. The nurturing parent uses a nurturing touch, empathy, empowerment, and unconditional love to ensure the overall health of their child.
Abusive parents who use hitting, belittling, neglecting basic needs, and other actions that lower an individual's sense of self-worth ...or worse, have a negative impact on the health of their child.

Child Abuse
Child abuse has a detrimental impact on a child's self-image, giving them feelings of low self-esteem, which impacts how they will treat others. Children who value themselves and treat themselves with respect show the same behavior toward others. The connection between self-worth and the worth of others is critical in child abuse prevention. Nurturing has been proven to be a positive influence on a child's self-image and self-worth.
Child abuse is the result of poorly trained adults who as parents and caregivers, try to instill discipline and educate children with the same violence that they themselves experienced as children ...because that's all they know.
Parenting is learned in childhood and repeated when children become parents.
The experiences children have while growing up, have a significant impact on the attitudes, skills, and parenting practices they will use with their own children.


What is learned can be unlearned and anyone and everyone can learn good parenting skills.
Even parents who are overwhelmed, or alone.
The first three years of your child's life are crucial.
Those are the years that your child will develop significant intellectual, emotional and social abilities.
That's when they learn to give and accept love.
They learn confidence, security, and empathy ... they learn to be curious and persistent ... everything your child needs to learn to relate well to others, and lead a happy and productive life.
The first three years are the doorway to forever!


Nurturing children is about the way we love them ...the way we bring them up.
A parent's love is our children s' destiny. It's the legacy we give them.


Love Our Children for the way we live today.

10 Ways to Show Your Child They Come First

(From surprise visits to going on "dates" together, here's how to show them you care.)

It's easy to find ourselves asking our kids to play for another five minutes so that we can check off that never-ending to-do list. Although it's easier to get things done without the constant not-so-helpful hands in our way, it's crucial that our kids always feel special, even when we're at our busiest. Here are 10 ways we can show our kids that they always come first.

1. Turn off the phone and television at dinnertime
Make dinner a family event where there are no distractions. "Dinner is the most frequent and easiest scheduled time to make 'our time,'" says Dave McDonald, a father of two. "Without the distractions of a ringing phone or blaring television, the kids shift their attention to us," he continues. "It's amazing to me how excited our kids get just to talk with us. I love to see them smiling when they're telling us a story about their day, and having them happy makes me happy! That wouldn't happen with the TV on or the phone ringing, so everything is off at dinnertime because that's our time -- and I don't ever want to give that up."

2. Include them in your activities
"I involve my children in whatever I am doing," says Melissa Rolfson, a mother of three. "In our house that usually means we have crunchy eggshell cookies, but even though the timing isn't always great, the time taken is always incredibly worthwhile." Taking the extra time to involve the kids in your activities may delay dinner by 10 or 15 minutes, but could end up being a memory that your child will have for a lifetime.

3. Surprise them
Sure, candies and toys always bring a smile to a child's face, but how about surprising them with a real treat -- you! "I try to surprise my daughter once in a while by picking her up from school," says Elena Cherry. "I envy those who stay home, but when you are working out of the home and school hours fall in the middle of the day, it gets hard to coordinate. Sometimes I have to physically schedule that time in my Blackberry as a 'meeting,'" she adds, "but the smile on her face when she sees me is definitely worth it."

4. Make them laugh
An old Irish proverb states, "Bricks and mortar make a house, but the laughter of children makes a home." Children love to laugh and are always searching for an opportunity to let go, so why not help them? Get down on the ground and play horsy or turn up the music and do your best funky chicken dance -- whichever route you take, your children will be positively giddy. Laughing together cements the bond between you and your child.

5. Get involved at their school
Children whose parents are involved in their school are more likely to overcome certain types of peer pressure like smoking, says a study released by the U.S. National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. Not only will helping out in your child's classroom let them know that you care about their education and are interested in what they are doing every day, but it will allow you to get to know the other kids in the class and help you find out what sort of peer pressure your child encounters in school. It's much easier to help your child fight peer pressure when you know when and where it's coming from.

6. Take part in their activities
Even though most parents dread taking the kids along on their day-to-day errands for fear of endlessly curious hands and temper tantrums, kids love when parents share their favourite activities with them. "My son loves trains," says Heather Camlot, a mother of two. "On nice days I like to take him to a nearby mall where the trains pass by at ground level. We park as close as we can to the fenced off tracks and watch as the trains fly by. There is nothing more fulfilling than watching the excitement on his face as he sees the trains pass."

7. Have "dates" with each child
Have a date day or night with your child and spend it at the movies, video arcade or even the coffee shop after guitar practice. Each of your children will appreciate the one-on-one time with Mom or Dad and relish the fact that they have your undivided attention.

8.Be persistent in asking questions
"Every day, when my son gets home from school, I call him and ask him how his day went," says Jean-Charles Dupoire. "He usually just shrugs and says, 'I don't know,' but after a few minutes of questioning he opens up and tells me the full ins and outs of his day. He gets really excited to know that I am interested, not just in his schoolwork, but about his friends and what sport he played in gym." Sometimes, the only way for parents to know what's really going on in a child's life is to simply ask. This may entail some persistence, but keep trying -- it will get easier, and the reward of a communicative child far outweighs the work.

9. Listen
When our kids come to us with problems, it's easy to shrug them off and say something like, "Wait until you grow up and have a mortgage to pay -- then you'll see what real problems are." But children don't understand this kind of logic; all they know is that whatever problem they are going through is affecting their world. Even though their problems may seem small to us, they are gigantic to them. Just a little bit of listening and reassuring lets kids know that you genuinely care and are there for them, no matter what.

10. Pamper yourself as well.
Don't be afraid to take the morning off for a massage, a facial or even just a shower. The better you feel about yourself, the happier you will be with your children.